I believe we must reinvent loneliness in order to survive it
November 24, 2023 7:46 AM Subscribe
Loneliness is not only a feeling of a gap between oneself and others—it is a feeling of an active separation. The world pulls away and I turn from it, from the feeling of rejection, and step into open space. Arguably, if indeed we are born into loneliness, then one measure of what we call living is the ongoing attempt to overcome that isolation. That’s how we develop intimacy and its profound resolve in the face of that impossible distance. The risk lies in the fact that we might fail. The reward is that we all do, at times, succeed in our attempts to throw bridges out to the unseen shores deep in the hearts of others. from So Fierce Is the World: On Loneliness and Philip Seymour Hoffman [The Paris Review; ungated] CW: loneliness, depression, drugs, alcohol, suicide
I feel like the only logical conclusion is that "everyone for themselves" is no way to run a civilization, but because our current one is run of, by, and for killers, that is what we get.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:07 AM on November 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by ob1quixote at 10:07 AM on November 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
I eventually entered rehab at the very hospital where Rod Serling, creator of The Twilight Zone, a hero of mine since childhood, had died in the seventies.
Serling was intensely interested in loneliness. Check out "Where Is Everybody?", the Twilight Zone pilot, for one example.
posted by doctornemo at 12:53 PM on November 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Serling was intensely interested in loneliness. Check out "Where Is Everybody?", the Twilight Zone pilot, for one example.
posted by doctornemo at 12:53 PM on November 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
I don't know. I've always been alone, even as a child. Yet, I've never experienced an emotion that I would describe as loneliness. "[I]f indeed we are born into loneliness..." Well, no. Most folks are born into families and later "achieve" loneliness when those relationships fade. I think loneliness is a kind of nostalgia for something lost; folks like myself, who've never had close relationships, are OK without.
That said, "friendship is magic," so if one can connect with people through work, hobbies or common interests, that's great. (Although I have to say, connecting through a shared disease seems poor fare, at best.)
posted by SPrintF at 1:13 PM on November 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
That said, "friendship is magic," so if one can connect with people through work, hobbies or common interests, that's great. (Although I have to say, connecting through a shared disease seems poor fare, at best.)
posted by SPrintF at 1:13 PM on November 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I feel like the only logical conclusion is that "everyone for themselves" is no way to run a civilization, but because our current one is run of, by, and for killers, that is what we get.
Fortunately that is not all we get, and if it was I am not sure I would have survived recovery.
For myself I found this disconnection early on to be very true. People I associated with when I first entered recovery gave me the idea that even after many years of addiction that I could help others.
Over the years that idea has become one of the only dependable things I could find when things have looked dark. Sometimes the darkness in the world seems so powerful that all I can do is to hang on to the idea like a lifeline. I wait for the feeling to pass, and so far it always has. And I have managed to put it into practice, and as a result I can find a way to believe I belong in the world even when I feel like I don’t. I make sure to tell others the same thing so they know too. I was infused with a sense of purpose gifted to me when I entered recovery, and like so many of us I came from a place where it seemed like the world had no purpose for me. That lack of purpose is the core of my loneliness.
Other people have this too. Part of my purpose is to make sure they have a chance to know. I think everyone should have that chance. If they are like me they might never know this if someone doesn’t tell them. And that right there is why it isn’t all we get.
That is a great article! Just what I needed to hear today. I will make sure and pass this onto my co workers, some of whom I am sure will see their reflection as I did.
posted by cybrcamper at 1:36 PM on November 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
Fortunately that is not all we get, and if it was I am not sure I would have survived recovery.
For myself I found this disconnection early on to be very true. People I associated with when I first entered recovery gave me the idea that even after many years of addiction that I could help others.
Over the years that idea has become one of the only dependable things I could find when things have looked dark. Sometimes the darkness in the world seems so powerful that all I can do is to hang on to the idea like a lifeline. I wait for the feeling to pass, and so far it always has. And I have managed to put it into practice, and as a result I can find a way to believe I belong in the world even when I feel like I don’t. I make sure to tell others the same thing so they know too. I was infused with a sense of purpose gifted to me when I entered recovery, and like so many of us I came from a place where it seemed like the world had no purpose for me. That lack of purpose is the core of my loneliness.
Other people have this too. Part of my purpose is to make sure they have a chance to know. I think everyone should have that chance. If they are like me they might never know this if someone doesn’t tell them. And that right there is why it isn’t all we get.
That is a great article! Just what I needed to hear today. I will make sure and pass this onto my co workers, some of whom I am sure will see their reflection as I did.
posted by cybrcamper at 1:36 PM on November 24, 2023 [9 favorites]
Most folks are born into families and later "achieve" loneliness when those relationships fade.
Some of us were born into lonely families created by lonely people who didn't know how to relate to each other, let alone their shared kids. From the age of 12 or so, what I could get from substances was much more reliable than anything I could get from my parents.
posted by terretu at 3:32 PM on November 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
Some of us were born into lonely families created by lonely people who didn't know how to relate to each other, let alone their shared kids. From the age of 12 or so, what I could get from substances was much more reliable than anything I could get from my parents.
posted by terretu at 3:32 PM on November 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
The challenge, maybe it’s an imperative, is to find ways to save ourselves collectively, to throw off the “pretense of self-sufficiency” and confess, without shame or recrimination, that we need one another.
Oh, twaddle.
Play me that tune again when you're almost sixty, have a painful and embarrassing chronic disease which dovetails nicely with your social anxiety, and you're broke. See how many friends you have left after a few years of that. See how much support you can get, even from systems ostensibly there to support you, even if you beg.
Sure, we need one another. That and $3.65 will get you a medium latte, pay at the window. Whatever we need, nobody's giving it away. You can reach out all you like, odds are if your problems are deeper than garden-variety ennui you're going to be told you need therapy which you can't afford.
While the sentiment expressed in the essay is lovely, it's daft. There's a global epidemic of loneliness; over 40% of Americans are single.
Everyone is reaching out. The problem is that everyone is drowning.
It's not entirely surprising when our culture treats social networks as disposable. You're supposed to leave your hometown to go to college, leave your college to go somewhere else to work, leave there at the drop of the hat at a better offer, and in each place you leave the friends you've made behind. And you're supposed to pretend that 'staying in touch' is just as good as being there. After a few decades of this, is it any wonder our social networks are in tatters? And then society turns around and berates people for being lonely.
Whatever social supports are left are not sufficient for everyone.
Actually helping in this situation would be to put better systems in place to help people deal with the physical and practical challenges of not having any social support systems. Because there just aren't enough social support systems for everyone. (Plus, social support systems tend to work best for social people. If you have difficulty socializing at the best of times, expecting you to depend on social support networks in your extremity seems pretty cruel.)
Perhaps rather than blaming lonely people for being lonely and urging them to somehow magically not be, we should acknowledge that loneliness is part of the price we pay to live in this bizarre society, and we should find ways to ameliorate it as best we can.
posted by MrVisible at 6:47 PM on November 24, 2023 [23 favorites]
Oh, twaddle.
Play me that tune again when you're almost sixty, have a painful and embarrassing chronic disease which dovetails nicely with your social anxiety, and you're broke. See how many friends you have left after a few years of that. See how much support you can get, even from systems ostensibly there to support you, even if you beg.
Sure, we need one another. That and $3.65 will get you a medium latte, pay at the window. Whatever we need, nobody's giving it away. You can reach out all you like, odds are if your problems are deeper than garden-variety ennui you're going to be told you need therapy which you can't afford.
While the sentiment expressed in the essay is lovely, it's daft. There's a global epidemic of loneliness; over 40% of Americans are single.
Everyone is reaching out. The problem is that everyone is drowning.
It's not entirely surprising when our culture treats social networks as disposable. You're supposed to leave your hometown to go to college, leave your college to go somewhere else to work, leave there at the drop of the hat at a better offer, and in each place you leave the friends you've made behind. And you're supposed to pretend that 'staying in touch' is just as good as being there. After a few decades of this, is it any wonder our social networks are in tatters? And then society turns around and berates people for being lonely.
Whatever social supports are left are not sufficient for everyone.
Actually helping in this situation would be to put better systems in place to help people deal with the physical and practical challenges of not having any social support systems. Because there just aren't enough social support systems for everyone. (Plus, social support systems tend to work best for social people. If you have difficulty socializing at the best of times, expecting you to depend on social support networks in your extremity seems pretty cruel.)
Perhaps rather than blaming lonely people for being lonely and urging them to somehow magically not be, we should acknowledge that loneliness is part of the price we pay to live in this bizarre society, and we should find ways to ameliorate it as best we can.
posted by MrVisible at 6:47 PM on November 24, 2023 [23 favorites]
Don't know if computer technology or culture are causal but; families, community groups and work relationships all seem much weaker than they were when I grew up.
posted by Narrative_Historian at 11:13 PM on November 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by Narrative_Historian at 11:13 PM on November 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
over 40% of Americans are single
If I'm reading that right, the statistic is that over 40% of Americans are not married, not necessarily single.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:15 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
If I'm reading that right, the statistic is that over 40% of Americans are not married, not necessarily single.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:15 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
« Older Why have people looked the same for the last 20... | The Intimacy of Discovery Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:58 AM on November 24, 2023 [5 favorites]